Good Lies, Bad Liar

More often that we’d care to imagine, we’ve run across a liar – particularly, someone we’ve dated. We all lie; we’re genetically coded to do it, and our brains are able to handle and perform the task quite well. In most societies, we have what is commonly referred to (and commonly accepted) as the white-lie. You know, that little something that helps buffer the blow from information we may not really need, per se.

You arrive 30 minutes late, spewing out as you enter: “OMG I’m so sorry, I hope you guys weren’t waiting long…” to which
your friend may reply… “no, no, not at all!”

We make the decisions to not engage in conflict because we gauge the consequence of the action, against the consequence of conflict and confrontation that may occur by directness. These ‘rules of engagement’ are essentially coded into both are ability to render cognitive behaviour analysis and more (plus a slew of other behavioural components I won’t get into…).

In the example above, we see that a small little white lie, helps smooth over an infraction between friends that ultimately really has no consequence to the daily function of things. In taking that example, it’s easy to see how we ‘white-lie’ other little items in our friendships and relationships with people we date.

But not too distant over the demilitarized zone, we begin to cross into a gray area where lies, intent and action begin to blend and become obfuscated, larger infractions are sometimes committed, and through the success of the transgression, we begin to take for granted our new found ability. The downhill slope starts, and in the relationship, we begin to find that we’re lying and covering for so much more than simply being late or telling someone their hair is pretty – no, now we’re lying for spending money, cheating, making mistakes, and more.

Often times, I see others living for years in their relationship that is threaded and woven with lies. With the liar performing well enough, these lies simply become the normal comfort of a relationship, and – theoretically – the partner is none the wiser.

So what could be so wrong with this situation? When it’s revealed that who you thought was a good liar, is actually just a bad one.

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